"I'd never forgive you"

ARGH OMG IM SO ANGRY
Today me and Lauren took Bradley (conviniently re-named Bratley by Helen) out for the day. Only 12 until four so i didn't expect too many problems but he was such a little bleeder. He always insisted on his own way and i got nasty with him. Lauren had a word with me and said to be nicer so i did try. But he went and picked up two large pieces of wood and went to throw them into the canal and i told him to stop but he ignored me and threw one in. As he went to throw in the second i told him off so he calmly turned around and said "Lauren, can i throw this in?"
I was fuming!
Lauren was walking a little ahead on the other side of the road and he walking too close to the road. I gently tugged the back of his top to keep him close to me as i did admitedly want him safe, as i did this he began shouting at me saying i was strangling him! He then went to run across the road as cars were coming and i tried to stop him but he ignored me and ran across. He is such a little brat! And it's always me that lands in trouble. Me and Lauren aren't talking now and it's all that little twats fault!

Last night Helen slept over and it was actually quite good! I was meant to sleep at hers but her dad said that if i was in when he got home he would walk out. I know he was tired and had a bad day but it's hard not to take that personally. But anyway we stopped at the flat and we watched 'Texas Chainsaw Massacre: The Begining." then "Saw IV".
I knocked a full bottle of watermelon alcopop over Helens brand new laptop and although i did little damage i felt so, so bad cause when she dropped my phone in a bucket of water i went mental at her so i just felt awful that she was so nice about it.
We went and sat on Bentley Park for about an hour at 2am(ish). And we had a really good talk, got everything off our chests. I still think she's my best friend.

I'm at Laurens house now, she's in the next room tidying and she's not talking to me. I was horrible to her cousin, had been arguing with her sister and was nasty to her. She's right, whenever i argue with someone i purposefully put her in the middle of it and make her have to either chose or upset her. She's my world so why am i such a twat to everyone around me?



F.N. - I think god wants me dead. Two car accidents in the past month. Both quite bad. Gutted.

Here i am

So recently it's been dead rubbish.
I keep having some right mood swings and taking things out on other people although Helen snapped at me this morning. She wrote a blog about me and i read it and she got really mad that it bothered me. The fact that i came to my best friend for a talk and she bitched about it on her blog obviously upset me. I wasn't bothered Lauren was spending time with Jessica, i was bothered that she left it until i was on my way to tell me.
Now Laurens gone over to Mitchells to play with Barry and Mitchell and i'm left here on my own.
It's not that i mind but she never told me where she was going and we was supposed to be going out, like hours ago. Her mums busy in the kitchen and i don't want to face Helen as i think we'll only argue. And i HATE Mitchell. I feel bad saying that as recently everybody seems to be bumming over him, but i don't like him. Probably because of all the bad things he's done to my car and said to me. You can call me childish or immature, i don't care. I just dont like him.
So what the hell am i supposed to do?!
I have to take her Mum and Dad out tonight so we may aswell stay here as it's only like two hours and i said i'd watch a film with Helen even though now i don't want too. And Laurens sleeping which means i will FINALLY get to spend time with her.
I know, you're going to put that i'm childish and if not you'll think it but this blog's for what i think and feel.

That's what i think and feel.

Missioning

Last night Barry slept over at the flat and it actually was quite fun. We left Laurens house at about quater past eleven and went to the flat until quater to twelve when we picked up Barrys friend Mitchell. We then went back to park the car and started walking up to Arksey. We walked around the graveyard in the dark which is quite scary and then headed up to the park. We span around on this spinny thing and got very dizzy :(
Mitch pushed Barry too fast on the roundabout and he was starting to feel sick so we left and i pressed a door bell and ran off. Bad ass, i know.
We walked around the estate and Barry hopped over someones fence, and grabbed a hanging basket shaped as a duck. He began to run towards the fence where i was stood and Mitch was further down the street as he was shitting it. As Barry got closer a dog started barking so he threw the duck over the fence and dived over. We walked around a little more and took a picture of Barry and the duck. Then he threw it into a field. We walked around some more whilst Barry knocked on various doors and picked me some flowers :)
We then walked back through the graveyard and i showed him my uncles grave. We then went for a quick drive and took Mitch home and went to bed as i was absolutley knackard!!
Anywayyy, nothing else to write..

Rant...

Haven't wrote to this for like AGES..
Good reasoning to this though.
I moved out from my parents, years of arguing, abusive behavour and upset turned out to be too much to cope with. So i got a flat, it's okay but that really made me come face to face with my biggest fear, being alone.
I mean it's okay on a weekend but during the week, especially in a morning, i get so lonely.
Then we got a cat, it's a little white cat... One blue eye and one green eye. And it's deaf. And as much as i don't mind talking to a deaf cat, once again I'm second best to someone else and all it does when Laurens not there is mope about, missing her. Not at all interested in me. The gay.
Right okay, so me and Lauren have been together for eight and a bit months, so i decided to get her name tattooed on my chest. People keep telling me i shouldn't of done it and i'll regret it but to be fair... Who's body is it?! Mine! So can i do what i want? Yes i fucking can. Lauren and Helen like it so do i care? No i don't!
We all got made redundant at work and i really actually panicked... What if i didn't get a new job?! I'd be homeless and although i'm sort of talking to my mum again she said they wouldn't have me back...
But luckily John recommended a company and i start on tuesday. Apparently i'll do well at it because i've done tele-sales and this is door-to-door selling.
Helen got accepted to a university in scotland and i know for a fac she thinks i love the thought of that. She thinks i love 'getting rid of her'. I don't. Yeah i do go out with her sister but shes still my best friend. And i mean i don't have many people i know i can rely on, shes one of the most constant people in my life and to be honest... I'll miss her.
Now Georgina is coming Benidorm with us instead of Cassy. Cassys parents are total fucking cunts (excuse my french). But seriously, they were so horrible and when Helen stuck up for me they got nasty with me too. So she fucked off and left us with G. The most annoying person who's ever walked this earth. ARGH! God.

Ermm... Things to talk about =/ ..

I'll get back to you.

4 Weeks..

...Isn't a very long time really.
A month, 28(ish) days, 1/12 of a year...



This past month has been so up and down for me, i really don't know where to begin.
I started a full time job on January 6th. Its cold calling businesses trying to sell a policy that claims not to be insurance but really is. I think i hate it. But theres so many things i love.

HATE

• Looking at a computer screen all day gives me headaches
• I get really hungry during the day
• Starts at nine am, meaning i have to set off at eight thirty which is too early
• I have to park MILES away and its a good ten minute walk
• Druggies shout during the day and its distracting
• I have to be REALLY sneaky going on facebook & bebo
• Its not a secure job AT ALL
• Alot of the friends i made got the sack
• I sit next to an old man which a HUGE gob and its so distracting & hard to hear
• My boss is scary
• I had to fake a lead today so i would meet my target
• You get so much abuse on the phones, when its only my job!

LOVE

• The people I've met
• The money
• Finishing at half four
• Having a morning and afternoon break
• Finishing early on fridays so i can pick up Lauren
• Dressing smart/casual
• Having my own desk
• Going on bebo during the day
• The cottage pie from the restraunt below (when i can afford it!)
• Bragging about Lauren to new people
• Talking to people with a geordie, scouse or irish accent!

So it's in the balance between hating and loving.

Talking of loving... Lauren.
Things are going quite well. She loves me, and proves it quite regulary so its all good on that front.

Found out my grandad had cancer. The worst is that me, Rebecca and Megan aren't meant to know. Even though he has four weeks to live we aren't allowed to know?! I think they want us to think he died of natural causes i guess, makes it easier on us. But i heard a voicemail message and heard them shouting at each other today, saying he has four weeks to live and that they hated each other. Not good.

Laurens parents are going through the same thing, at the exact same time... But yet i daren't tell anyone my problems with them because it makes me feel selfish as Laurens having a hard time too. I had a talk with Lauren about it and she seems really scared.

Benidorm in 23 weeks today.
Cool.